by
Joann
Natalia Aquino
"I do believe that our life evolves in phases as we come to a full circle... And until and if that time comes, I have to do what I need to do to define who I am in my fullest and what I need to do to fulfill love and joy in my life without having someone else provide it for me. I must seek and strive for happiness regardless of my status in life. Life goes on..."
Each time I open my closet, hanging on the rack are the six bridesmaid dresses I had to wear at various weddings ranging from the shades of lilac, lavender, periwinkle, powder blue, navy blue, and mauve. They stare at me blankly, as though I can almost hear it whisper what others have also uttered, “She’s always a bridesmaid and never a …”
I often brainstorm what I can do with the dresses: 1) Throw a bonfire party with all the other eternal bridesmaids and perpetual bachelorettes that have also been repeatedly tortured going through the wedding party hooplas; 2) Take the dresses to my seamstress and make fabulous separate pieces; a black halter top and lilac Cinderella-like tulle skirt make a fantastic New Year’s Eve outfit; 3) Donate them to a thrift store and have a budgeted bride put them to use; 4) Cut them up in pieces and use them as dust rags, and feed my obsession with gleaming kitchen and bathroom floors by utilizing them as wipes. I have yet to choose my option.
As I quickly approach the final year of my 20’s (hence next year being my big 3-0), the familiar question that seems to be uttered at family parties is, “So, when are you getting married and have babies?” At our high school reunion and amongst friends I haven’t seen in a while, they ask, “Are you married yet?” And when I meet with newlywed friends they say, “I wonder who’s getting married next? When will you?!” I’ve learned that the most polite way to respond is to just smile and tell them, “Really, I’m not in a rush. I have other goals that keeps me quite busy and focused these days.”
There are handfuls that have given me their unsolicited comments and pinned me with enlightenments such as, “Do you have a boyfriend? Maganda ka naman…”; the incessant curious questions of “Who are you dating these days? Why have we not met your boyfriend at family parties?” ; and he “You’re so beautiful, why are you not married yet? I know someone I want you to meet.” Ah, thanks but no thanks.
I recall a ranting session with colleagues, when I exclaimed, “I have great news to tell you guys!” I wanted to share with them the message after receiving an invitation to write for an internationally acclaimed human rights publication. “You’re engaged and getting married!” blurted one. “You’re pregnant!” yells the other. After bursting their juicy bubble, I told them that the scoop was about the invitation from the publication, and the response I received was, “Oh…. I thought you were going to announce something else.” Wonderful, I thought to myself. I guess some of us are still stuck in the Dark Ages when a woman is supposed to do certain things in her life on a specific timeline.
I have many friends who have done the whole conventional timeline route—go to school, have boyfriend while in school, get a nine-to-five job, have boyfriend while working, get engaged, get married, have children and build their family tree. That is fine and great. Yet I’ve come to understand that we all not in the same path.
Though I don’t know what’s in store for me, it seems that my journey have been different from the norm; thus far it has been – finding purpose through work, finding purpose through writing, focusing while in graduate school and being open in the ambiguousness of the next phase where this will take me.
I have no trouble meeting eligible bachelors and have dated many wonderful men. Someone in particular even stole my heart, only to crush it (again and again). As open-minded as he was, even he thought that I at my age have only one thing in mind in growing the relationship—that what I want for the next step is marriage and the “ball and chain” he thinks that comes with it. Regardless of how much I have explained, somehow demystifying my singlehood theory is blurred even with our gender differences.
Perhaps I’ve been hurt many times and have been careful. It could be that there’s a part of me that has rebelled against the norms of our society. Undoubtedly, I’m just plain picky and won’t settle for less.
Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in love and romance. Imaginably not just in the form of the prince charming, the castle with the picket fence, the dog in the yard, and the kids playing in the swing-set. I believe that love, and the mate, are often manifested in various disguises.
I do believe that our life evolves in phases as we come to a full circle. Respectively, there is a time for everything under heaven. And until and if that time comes, I have to do what I need to do to define who I am in my fullest and what I need to do to fulfill love and joy in my life without having someone else provide it for me. I must seek and strive for happiness regardless of my status in life. Life goes on.
Until further notice, yes, I’m not married and I’m happy. No, I’m not looking. No, I don’t want you to fix me up with your brother, your best friend, your cousin, especially if they’re in a different country. No, I don’t want to look online. No, I ‘m not into putting ads, I’m not joining the 3-minute speed dating, and the millennium matchmaking relays. No, I’m not “a gay.” No, I don’t know if I’m going to be an old maid. Yes, I realized I’ve lived almost three decades. Yes, I understand my clock is ticking, as loud as everyone else. Yes, I meet many nice admirers. Yes, I get asked out a lot for dates, and often my answer is “No.” Yes, I want you to stop asking me questions.
(Republished with permission from the author and from
Filipino American Herald. Article originally published at Filipino American
Herald on August 2003.)
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©Copyright 2003. Joann Natalia Garcia Aquino. All rights reserved.
