"Hi! I am a Mother."
by Perla Paredes Daly
Some years ago, even after having my second of three sons, I had a tendency of thinking of myself as a graphic designer first and then a mother. I was one of those women who described myself as "just-a-housewife" when I stopped working as a graphic designer to be with my kids full time. A friend's self-introduction at a gathering of women helped teach me how to place my motherhood first in life.
I once read about a woman talk about her teenage daughter who, at that disconcerting age of assertiveness, independence and irritability, snapped at her mother telling her "Why should I listen to you? You're just a housewife!"
This mother had quit her job of being a successful career woman in order to dedicate her life to her children and their home life. I was mad for this woman that her daughter couldn't appreciate her mother's sacrifice of her own creative expression. I was even hurt that the daughter could not see the love and work that being a housewife and a mother was all about. I even went so far as to feel resentment toward's patriarchal society, blaming it for this daughter's lack of appreciation. I thought that society's value on men's work and work that earned income was to blame for ingratitude towards mothers.
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Even mothers need to learn how to appreciate what motherhood is about.
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But it took a personal experience a few years ago before I realized that I myself have been guilty of thinking of the choice of occupation of taking care of family and home as "just-a-"housewife.
For many years, I not only didn't truly appreciate motherhood, I did not completely appreciate my mother. I loved her, but I could not stand her still telling me what to do and how to do it---it was my pride. And, I still squabbled with her over the silliest things. Not only that, I also could not appreciate what being a mother meant for me even if I was a mother! I think that most people, even women, have a lack appreciation for motherhood.
About 5 years ago I went to a candle party for the first time. It was at my friend Jody's home. This party was like a Tupperware party that our moms used to go to, but this time the products were scented candles and candleholders of all varieties and styles. A group of over a dozen of Jody's relatives, friends and neighbors had come to the party, all women. The night began with us having delicious snacks and relaxing with drinks of wine while enjoying meeting and chatting with each other. Then Nicole, the young, attractive product Representative began the session by introducing herself. (I later found out that I wasn't the only Filipina at the party. Nicole turned out to be a Filipina-American---her mother was Filipina and her father of European descent). After telling us about herself, Nicole, then asked us to continue the self-introductions by going around in a circle. I was the first and I began with confidence by saying: "Hi, I'm Perla. And I am a freelance designer and a web publisher..." and so forth. As the self-intros went around the circle, almost all women used the same format as me---name, occupation, other details. My friend Jody was the last and at her turn said, "Hi, I'm Jody. I am a mother..." She talked about her daughter a bit, and then she talked about her job as a marketing representative.
Here was a group of women, from our 20s to our 70s---many of us with regular paying jobs, some of us housewives, and most of us mothers. All of us had talked about ourselves by first mentioning our occupation. Except for Jody who was the only woman who first talked about herself as being a mother and couldn't wait to talk about her daughter---before talking about her job.
That moment at the party had an enormous impact on me. I sat quietly after Jody's self-introduction, but it had given rise to a feeling that surprised me. That feeling was shame. I felt ashamed that I mentioned my work before my beloved children. How could I do that? Why would I do that? I decided to face that feeling of shame and examine why my identity was strongly tied in first with my career and then with my being a mother.
I decided that because I really loved my children, then, from now on, I wanted to introduce myself first as their mother. The same way Jody did. And I knew that in order for me to do that, I would need to contemplate more about what motherhood and work meant for me.
I came away from that candle party with an impetus to find a new way of perceiving motherhood.
Please, don't get me wrong. I love my children dearly and they are the jewels of my life. From my first child on, I was being the best mother that I could be. And I do think that I was doing a good job at being a mother---giving lots of love and affection, teaching discipline and manners, making sure school was going well, finding them extra-curricular activities, attention to their self-esteem and their sense of self...
I was during the time that followed that party that I became aware that the intensity of my need to express myself as an important part of being who I was was many times overriding what motherhood meant for me.
I began to become aware of how much of my identity was based on my work in graphic design and multimedia and my other creative expressions---web publishing, painting and decorating our new home, and spending hours in the garden planting flowers.
It became clearer to me that I was more eager to do these creative things then, let's say change diapers, prepare meals for the kids, give the kid's their baths, help them with their work... These daily routines seemed burdensome and tedious to me, but I would set aside that feeling because I loved my kids. It became clear that the meaning of motherhood was not complete for me.
But I was realizing that even if I loved my children more than anything else in the world, work was still more exciting for me than the daily tasks of motherhood. With that realization I wanted to find a way so that raising my children, motherhood itself, held more meaning for me.
And so I started asking myself these questions:
Alas, I found out that my answers were yes. And then I wondered how many other women might have the same mind frame as myself, and I asked more questions:
- Has the need for a family's economic survival distorted our perception of a woman's role in life as being measured by the money that she can bring in to the household?
- Have we women today taken up the belief that being a mother and a housewife is equivalent to servant-hood and slavery because our work does not get reported in income tax returns?
- On many occasions do we women ourselves unknowingly betray motherhood in a way?
- Has humanity's lack of appreciation for motherhood affected societies and all of humanity?
- Have we women ourselves been guilty of doing an injustice to the roles of mothers and homemakers?
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I have always thought that I was a good mother. But I realized very clearly then that I could still do with improvements. And so I set out to try to find out the deeper and even spiritual meaning of my own motherhood.
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Author with sons Greg, Skyler
and Brennan in Prenatal ICU.
Although Skyler was born 2 months early and weighed only 3 lbs., 2oz, he was blessedly healthy from the start and utterly perfect and beautiful(in the picture he is yawning).
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In the last 5 years, I have truly begun to appreciate how being a mother is a very important aspect of who I am.
Although I have not and still am not constantly conscious of being a mother from moment to moment, that was indeed the time that I began to become more conscious of my role as a mother. Funny how that resolve and these changes coincided with the unexpected news that I was pregnant with my third child at the age of 38.
Nine months later, I was not only blessed with a beautiful and healthy third baby boy, but also a deeper knowing of what motherhood was about.
The effort to deepen my appreciation of my being a mother has changed so many other things in my life.
There was a time that I was guilty of not seeing my mother's work as a mother all for what it was. I myself was not completely aware of my mother's dedicated efforts for me and my brothers. So much so that when my first son was born, I vowed that I wouldn't repeat certain "wrong" things that my mother did to me. Now, after fourteen years of being a mother, much wiser and more appreciative from the experience of having my own sons, I realized the many wonderful things my mom did for us far, far outweighed the negatives and the traumas that I now believe I am healed from. And now I want to make sure that I do for my children the many wonderful things that my mother did for me. I have learned how to be patient with my mother's constant need to tell me what to do. And we have even become better at being friends with each other. We have even learned to laugh together at each other's idiosyncracies.
Another key awareness that I gained is that if I had given a start to such a well-received web site in let's say, the creation of www.newfilipina.com, a mild success in its pioneering spirit, then I wanted to make sure that I would give my children a good start in living fulfilling lives... I became determined that I would pass on as little of my own emotional baggage on to them as was possible for me...
I became determined that the state of their mind and spirit were now just as important as the basics needs of the body--- food, clothing and shelter.
I became determined that they would not only have as much material resources and opportunities as was there for them, but that they would also have better emotional tools at handling their various relationships---that is, better then what I had begun my adult life with.
I want to not only protect my children from conflict, I want them to know how to handle conflict. I want to teach my children how to argue in a way that sorts out internal ruts and solves problems and helps them grow...
I want my kids to find happiness and so I make an ongoing effort to impart to my children an awareness of how to make choices that help them live powerful, loving, courageous lives. This kind of awareness is something that took me a lifetime to find for myself...
I came to an important realization that having children, raising children is possibly the highest creative act that any woman could experience.
Here are some of thoughts that helped me appreciate motherhood as the most important creative expression of a woman:
- Being a mother is not just about the day to day routines, or the unplanned-for, hair-raising incidences of bringing up our children. It is also about performing the humdrum tasks of motherhood with love and an awareness of our effect on our children's hearts and minds.
- Women need to recognize and appreciate that they are human beings who have actually enacted the physical feat of carrying within their wombs a miracle of life and have given birth to new lives.
- We women need to honor the job of raising young beings who someday will be the adults of society.
- We can teach our children to be Takers or Givers in Life. We women need to be aware that we can give so much to our children that they can possibly grow up to be people that in turn want to give of themselves.
- Women themselves must not lose sight that in motherhood there is the ongoing shaping of minds, hearts and spirits of future adults... that there is the creation and development of young people who will someday be the decision makers of the world...
- Women need to honor that as mothers they have the power to shape people who shape the future... that as mothers, they could possibly shape the future of humanity in positive ways through their own children.
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Of course this is not at all easy. It is an ongoing effort to make my role of mother precedent while at the same time applying my creativity into self-expressions outside of the home that somehow serves others. The matter of time, skill and organization that it takes to have "everything"--- children, husband, career/work, self-expression, and even a dedicated spiritual practice is a monumental juggling act. The Supermom symbol came about for a reason and although to many it is a heroine symbol, to others, such as myself, it is a myth that can get in the way of realizing the full potential of being a mother. (But that's another matter...).
It has taken the lifetimes of my 3 children before I could really, truly, and deeply appreciate what being a mother means to me. It has taken another woman's pride of being a mother of another to teach me what I was missing when my occupation was primary in helping me find my identity.
That has since changed. And although it is something hard for me to admit (being that I am the eldest child in my family) that maybe even my own mother and beloved husband's advice and prodding have helped me to appreciate what the role of mother and also housewife is all about. No one is just-a-housewife, or for that matter just-a-mother.
With what I have gone through, with what I have learned, with the surety that I am still discovering in myself, I can introduce myself today by beginning with:"Hi, my name is Perla. I am a mother..."
All rights reserved. © Perla Paredes Daly, Inc. 2003.
