BagongPinay - Pinay Ngayon (Filipina Today) April 2000 - Depression and Mental Illness, Story 2

Giving Up the Silence: Series on Depression and Mental Illness

Story 2:
Wounded Healer
By M.Ledesma.

A young woman's struggle with depression brings her closer to herself and to God.

Jennifer (not her real name) sat in a corner of the classroom at St. Mary of the Woods School in Makati(Philippines) where I handled special education classes. She was simply staring at the wall blankly. I felt the unspeakable sadness within as I watched her in her moments of helplessness against the forces of depression. She was, at 16, too young to be experiencing such a depression, one that kept recurring for no apparent reason. But she had indeed been going through emotional problems and her fits of depression almost led to a nervous breakdown. She ought to be enjoying life as other teenagers are, I thought to myself.

My own hurts made me attuned to people's pains.

While there were other students in my special education class. [felt a strong attachment to Jennifer and so did the rest of the special education teachers in the school. We counseled her incessantly and guided her until she showed signs of coming out of the strange depression that had her kept in chains in the past few months. Although hers was an undeniably complicated case, we did not relent until she was on the road to full recovery. In January of this year, I felt a deep sense of joy when Jennifer was diagnosed to be ready for a specialized academic program next schoolyear.

The strong personal attachment I felt for Jennifer had its reason. I knew what it was like to be enslaved to depression. I had been there. And it was a nightmare that I thought I would never wake up from.

Back when I was in high school in my hometown in Bacolod, I was the class confidante. My classmates would come tome for advice on problems regarding their boyfriends, their studies and almost anything under the sun. They came to me probably because I listened, re ally listened to them. The sense of perceiving people's needs and empathizing with them was. I guess, a gift that was given to me by God. Little did I know that when I entered college. I would be needing more help than I had given in my young life.

I Went to the Ateneo de Manila University for my AB Literature (English) course. It proved to be a long and arduous struggle before I got my college degree be cause in college, I went through long periods of severe depression. They were so severe and paralyzing that I had to be hospitalized almost every three months. I had terrible breakdowns that so killed my spirit that thrice, I tried to take my life. Although feelings of anger and inferiority had much to do with it, I could not quite understand why these were happening. I seemed to have a perfect life and an excellent childhood as middle child in a brood of five. I also had good grades in school. But none of these mattered as depression took over my en tire person once too often. Life to me just seemed to be an endless night.

For ten years, I was under medication. I was taking anti-depressants, sleeping pills and tranquilizers, Often. drugs alone kept me functioning albeit in robot- like fashion. At that time, I was seeing one psychiatrist after another. I had seen a total of six. Even then, much to my surprise. people who needed to talk gravitated to wards me. In between my attacks of depression, I played guidance counselor to a lot of friends as I offered them a shoulder to cry on. Looking back, it seems that counseling is really my life ministry. Depression appears to be God's way of molding me to become attuned to people's pains and sufferings so that I would have a keener sense of what it means to be broken. A friend used the term "wounded healer" to explain this to me.

Because of my bouts with depression. I consider it a sheer miracle for me to have finished college. Every year during my five-year stay at Ateneo, I would suffer a breakdown, At one time, I even had to be brought to the United States for treatment. But somehow I managed, largely through the kindness of administrators, professors, friends, and family, to get passing marks at the end of each semester. I was even allowed to experience a minuscule life of service to the people in the squatters areas as member of ATSCA (Ateneo Student Catholic Action), Undoubtedly. God had been fixing His foot prints over mine all through these years.

Even after I had finished college and had begun teaching, I continued to suffer episodes of depression. I would teach with passion for a few months and then fall into deep depression again. It was terrible, And terrifying.

I thought 1992 would finally be different. I was accepted to teach in a prestigious exclusive girls' school in Manila. That year, a close friend of mine from college became my boyfriend as well. Marriage loomed in the picture. For a while, love, respect, esteem, accep tance, approval - deep though unrecognized selfish de sires in me - were mine. Still, these only eventually crumbled into pieces when depression gripped my spirit once more. By early 1993, I suffered a complete burn- out and had to be temporarily relieved of my teaching responsibilities. My boyfriend found it too tough to handle this breakdown. Again, I faced another episode of bottomless loneliness and pain - alone.

Then, I remember one night, while I was in my room in Bacolod, I knelt down in absolute desperation and exasperation with my life. Life for me had been one, long curse; joy simply eluded me. I could not seem to get out of the pit long enough to just breathe a bit. I talked to God and in anger told Him, "Yes, You have given me every good thing but I have paid for all these with hard work, tears, and heartbreak. What more do You want me to do for You? I only want to be healed, I have tried everything: therapy, medication, theology, philosophy, psychology - everything I have even tried taking my life!"

In the silence, I remember a small voice Inside me saying, "You haven't really tried Me, Mary Anne. For once, try Me. Just Me. Nothing else but Me. You don't have to do anything else. I have loved you the way you are, I have died so that you wouldn't have to do what you long thought you should do. I have paid for everything There is nothing to pay for any more." At these words, I wept profusely for what seemed like hours as a calm settled into my soul. It was true. All my life I has this need to perform, to be perfect, to meet everyone's approval. But with God, finally, for once, I did not have to please anyone. I just had to try Him. In Him, I was free to simply be me. I was okay the way I was.

I stood up and felt compelled to read the Bible When I opened the Bible, the verse that stared me in the face was "Come to me, all those who are heavily laden." (Matthew 11:28). I kept reading on and on, struck by an insatiable hunger to have God speak to me. No cloud of sleep enveloped me even as I stayed up all night reading. Finally, I remember saying, "Okay, Lord. Whatever it takes, I give my life to You. Forgive my sins. Thank You for making me Yours." It began my genuine personal relationship with Him.

Later, I realized that when God said. "Try Me." He meant try Him in everything. I needed only to depend on Him and not on anything else, That instant. I took all my pills and flushed them down the toilet, I have not needed to take a single drug since then. This is a unique blessing God gave me. As a counselor, I Would advise readers who may have a similar problem such as I had to seek counsel as I had done before taking any pill or stop- ping any medication prescribed by a qualified physician.

There was one more thing God led me to give up - my boyfriend. I was made to realize that I was going to marry him only to please my parents, friends and those who loved and cared for me. I was getting married because I needed the love, acceptance and approval of my family and of society. My self-worth was hinged on this. Apart from this, I felt I was a nobody. But in trying God, I found my worth in simply being His child. Nothing could change that. And I realized that if I were to marry, it would have to be because God designed it for me. It took me two weeks to find the courage to break off the engagement. When I finally returned to Manila, I wrote him, 'Something happened to me during the summer, I decided that it would be best to just remain friends for a while and think things out." He most have been very hurt. Ties were severed completely for a long, long time. He was a good man, and I felt a little sad to have to part this way. But it was something I had to do as I finally discovered who I was, to whom I belonged, and who would perfectly love and care for me to the end: God.

I have no regrets. I am happy now.

This article originally appeared in a Philippine newsletter. Permission to republish given by Ms. Ledesma.