BagongPinay shares with you thoughts on finding Real Love:

• Love VS Lovelessness
• Twin Flames and Soul Mates
• Growing from Love
• Admiration, Infatuation and Crushes
• Sexuality and Love
• Ownership and Love Don't Mix
• Forgiveness
• Nurturing Relationships
• Conjugal Unhappiness
• A Glimpse of the Heart as the Center
• Intro & the Great Love of Life

Love VS Lovelessness
Love is usually a deep part of our lives unless we have hardened our hearts and retreated behind invisible walls due to past hurts. If you have made your heart smaller and have closed the doors of your heart because of heartbreak, look back again to the past, to those painful times with new perspective. Love doesn’t hurt you, rather its in moments when there is an absence of Love when hurtful acts come about. Know now that acts that come from Love are different from acts that come from "lovelessness". By lovelessness I mean that which is bereft of Love---that which is selfish, self-serving, fearful, from one's ego. With this is mind, you might be able to realize that whatever caused the pain in your past love life came from moments that had nothing to do with Love, but rather had to do with things that were committed in response to fear. A lover’s acts of betrayal comes from his or her surrender to inner fears.

Betrayal comes about when a partner makes decision from based on feelings and thoughts of FEAR. Jealousy comes from the fear that there is not enough love to go around. Possessivness comes from the fear of loss. Infidelity comes from the fear that you are not getting enough love. Don’t forget that it is fear that limits the flow of Love in relationships.

When we belittle those we love, we must look into a mirror and realized we only do that because we ourselves are being “small” and fearful of our own perceived inadequacies.

When one’s fears and insecurities win over Love there is the real source of pain. That’s where that cryptic line comes from “Love means never having to say your sorry”--- when Love prevails, one never commits acts that he or she has to apologize about.

Twin Flames and Soul Mates
With Hollywood romantic films filling our minds and dictating our expectations, we may have developed desires to find our twin soul. There is a legend that tells of God taking a flame, splitting it into two and then scattering the pair across time and space. The split flame represents a split soul, and God has destined the twin flames to find each other again in Creation. And thus, an earthly reunion with one's twin flame is a cosmic occurrence. These are the occasions for loving with one’s whole mind, body, heart and soul. A union with one's twin soul is coming to know Love that exists for someone regardless of Time and Space and through Eternity. But the union also goes beyond our human limitations. The reunion may not necessarily be what we expect.

Many times there is a mix-up between the concepts of "twin soul" and "soul mate." A person reaches a new stage of Life once they realize that any person who has a profound effect on your growth and maturity IS their soul mate. I believe in soul mates who are mates... but I also believe that soul mates are our spiritual sisters, daughters, sons, brothers, mothers, fathers... those who have great impact on our lives and our growth... Your encounters with people in your life whose relationships are so intense deserve the exploration of their spiritual value, and not just the value of how much material advancement they have imparted to you.

Watch out that your wish for a soul mate doesn't turn into a materialistic "I must have my one and only" attitude. Be open to how soul mates come into your life. Love and soul mates are meant for us all, but not always in the ways those romantic movies depict. I always tell my friends that if they fall in love with someone, and they have all these "qualifications" that they want their significant other to have, they may only get 2 out of 5 of those qualities. Think more with the heart and less with the mind when finding your soul mate/s.

For more info on this topic visit this site: Soulmates and Twin Flames

Growing from Love
When I was in college, I had a relationship with a young man who I almost married. It was a tempestuous relationship fraught with much heartache experienced on my part. I always struggled to hold on to my sense of self and my confidence in that relationship. Since it was so difficult to establish my own self-worth to that beautiful soul, I moved on. There were regrets. But what I realized was that the relationship was meant to be. I was meant to be with this person for that moment in time when our lives crossed. We had the opportunity to decide whether to stay together or not. Even if we didn’t, I know we learned a lot about each other and our selves. I became a better person because of that relationship despite the pain and the trampled pride. I knew better after that what I was looking for in a relationship. I believe that we both learned how to love better.

Whatever the circumstances of split relationships, disappointments and “lost loves” we must learn to move on. The Love and human lessons you shared with another will always exist.

When one is the jilted and not the jilter, we must learn to let go and move on. We must learn to subvert bitterness. I know it is not easy. What can be devastating is the pain, but it also can be temporary. Allow yourself that pain and grief. But let it go as soon as you are ready. We just have to learn to forgive, let go and move on. When we attach our petty fears to our relationships, when we attach our happiness and our identities to our relationships and when we blame others for our pains, we forget what Love really means.

We only have ourselves to make a decision with what how we live after what we have experienced in the past. We do have control over that. When we blame others for our misery that is a not taking responsibility for your own life. It can be simple to turn the tables and through off the shackles of martyrdom and misery.

I was a freshman in college when my high school boyfriend split up with me. I cried for a few weeks. I was depressed. It affected my studies. When I got back home for a vacation I dramatically asked my hairdresser to cut my long hair off. My family and friends where dismayed at the new short do I sported. But somehow, for me it was a statement for myself. I know that I also did it as a symbolic way of grieving and at the same time giving my self space. I wanted to have nothing to do with boys for awhile. I felt that if I were to remove the flirty swish of shiny, wavy dark hair I could remove myself from the world of attracting romance and removing myself from romantic entanglements. That was an eccentric process on my part, but it somehow helped me. Because, as my hair grew long again, I learned to let go of the loss and disappointment of that sweet guy who left me and I began to move on. But I needed to give myself that space to do that. I learned to not tie who I was in the existence of a romantic relationship. We must learn to be a whole person on our own, without another. Has loss of a loved-one taught you that?

We all have the power to give ourselves the opportunity to heal from broken relationships. We all have the power to make the choice whether a finished relationship makes us a more of a person or less of a person.

I love to garden and grow flowers all over our home. I believe that the lives of my children form the most important garden of my life...by creating a home full of love mixed with the right amount of affection, discipline and mutual respect with my children, they can have a better chance of growing up to be loving people and at the same time capable people... people who will be Givers, those who make space for growth and creativity for other people and believe that the advencement of others is their own advancement, not Takers those who think mainly of themselves and don't care how they affect other peoples' lives while advancing themselves.

Admiration, Infatuation and Crushes
A lovely friend of mine was working in the Philippines on a medical mission and a man was assigned to drive her around to the various clinics. She is dedicated and intelligent, and in the first two weeks that she was there her male colleague grew to admire her greatly. Unfortunately, he interpreted his admiration for her as love and made overtures to her. Her surprised retort: “You don’t even know me!” She lost all respect for him, a married man. Needless to say, that made continuing to work together difficult for both of them. How can things like this happen? This poor man believed that positive feelings for another woman was tantamount to romance. Admiration is a way one acknowledges the beauty and talent of another person. It is one form of Universal Love. Admiration for someone of the opposite sex doesn't always have to develop into romance. When the concept of Love exists only in one-dimension---romantic love, then infatuation can limit people's potentials and obssessions can even stunt personal growth.

Crushes and infatuations are mostly harmless, and there is nothing wrong with them. The key thing is being able to have the upper hand over them and not letting them get the better of us. We need to learn how to outgrow our crushes and actually grow from them.

I have had my share of crushes. I realize now that the worst thing about having a crush is to think that the crush needs to be satisfied in only one way---the romantic union of the “crushor” with the “crushee”. After I got over my break-up with my highschool boyfriend when I was in college, I developed a crush for a beautiful young man on the swimming team. I used to say his name dreamily, experience pangs of longing, wishing he would look my way… of course, I was a silly, college girl.

When I got older, I was still finding myself attracted to, of all things, movie stars. I realized that it wasn't necessarily because these movie stars might be good-looking, but it was because they were some of the most talented, artistic, poetic people I had ever heard of. I realized then, that I did not want to "have" them somehow in my life, but rather I wanted to "be" like them in my own life. I wanted that same kind of intelligence, high creativity and breadth of expression.

When we imitate the outer appearances of those we admire and when we idolize celebrities, whether they are the same sex or not… there is a hidden reason for our adulation. We are trying to somehow take on the qualities of that person that we wished for ourselves… It is not necessarily about their fame or their money. It is something intangible about them---their energy, their magnetism…

We do not have to “own” an experience or encounter with the one’s we admire and adore. We do not have to share exclusive romance, have their baby, impregnate them, kiss them, have a one-night stand, have that dream-date to find satisfaction from an infatuation or a crush. All we have to do is realize what it is about them that attracts us.

I realized that crushes and infatuations can somehow show us what we hope for in our own lives. What qualities of luminousness, sexuality, beauty, talent, creativity, magnetism, intelligence do the objects of our infatuation possess? Most likely, these are qualities that we aspire for ourselves, too. When we are young, we want to be as attractive as those we are attracted to. When we are older, we become magnetized to those who excel and are successful… because we desire excellence and success in our own life.

Sexuality and Love
Movie plots, and romance novels can only give us impressions and images that hint at the scope of what real Love can be like for real people. The manifestations of Love exist beyond our initial understandings.

There are people who relate Love to baser urges---sexuality without love, and relationships that involve notions of ownership.

Sexuality is only one beautiful expression of Love. Sexuality without love is depraved and perverse. Pornography is a form of deprivation and emotional bankruptcy, human immaturity. Sexuality expressed as ownership is unsatisfying and leaves us feeling empty.

There are many relationships of Love that don’t have to be tied in to sexuality. Friendships between men and women, and friendships between same genders don’t always develop into sexual intimacy. Those who tend to conclude sexuality, illicit or not, as the natural part of others’ platonic intimacies are expressing their own limited beliefs, and the size of their circle of Love. If you are guilty, don’t worry---there is always room to expand that circle.

It is the immature mind, and small heart that must see sexual union as the next step that comes after every intimacy, mutual admiration, flirtation, attraction.

It is small, immature and even malicious to read lewd sexuality into every deep friendship one encounters or perceives in others.

Ownership and Love Don't Mix
Commitment and ownership should not be mistaken for each other. They mean totally different things. One's fears may mix the two together. Get over it! Don't forget, peoples' fears are what messes love up. Love never messes love up. The darkest taint on any love is the notion of ownership. Pure love is bereft of ownership.

Historically, Love has been mistakenly mixed up in the paradigm of Power equals Ownership equals Wealth equals Control. Many are the powerful men who have seen a beautiful, natural setting and had the desire to own it and take it by force. Legendary are the powerful men who have glimpsed a beautiful woman and had to kill or wage war to marry her--- in other words, bed her, impregnate her, own her.

Marriages can be of Pure Love, not because they are lacking in sexual intimacy, but rather, because the partners lack the need to inflict misery upon each other or bring each other down. That is how we can reconcile our Catholic hang-ups and fears about sex and search for purity. Pure love takes place when there is an absence of notions of superiority and the need to control one another. Love is pure, even when there is sexual intimacy, when there is no desire that the other advance our Life in material ways of security, wealth and prestige.

Most marriages may start out with the traditional paradigm of marrying for mutual attraction and compatibility, combined with thoughts of upward mobility, social status, prospects of children, and financial security. But one of the best tips to successful happy marriages is being able to move on from that thinking to genuine mutual compassion that enables the couple to go to the next level of reciprocated nurturing and support.

It is immature to believe that love must denote forms of ownership.

This limiting belief causes jealousy, confusion, abuse and even violence. The recent sad story of the Filipino woman who was killed by her jealous husband in New Jersey is yet another testimony to marriage that is based on mutual materialistic benefits and notions of power and ownership---not enough for a good marriage. Both were oo embarrassed by the circumstances by the nature of their mail-order-bride type union, that they lied to friends that they first met while both were vacationing in Hawaii. Although well-off and living the good life, their initial reasons for marrying each other set the stage for restlessness and infidelity on her part and jealousy and rage on his. When the husband could no longer control his wife’s acts of not just independence but of betrayal, his last resort to keeping control and ownership over her was to killed her in the garage of their large home in a prestigious neighborhood. Love? Not!

Cult leaders don’t work from this knowledge. They work from the paradigm of control and power. Christ, the Saints, Buddha and bodhisattvas came to know the mysteries of relationships of Love and the Soul.

Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a gift we can give to our lovers and loved-ones because it creates spaces and opportunities for relationships to deepen and grow. From compassion, forgiveness becomes easy to give to each other and to one’s self. Given enough time and opportunity, relationships can develop and the bonds grow stronger. As lovers mature and grow together, forgiveness is no longer a necessity--- it becomes a thing of the past.

Nurturing Relationships
I have been married for almost 16 years. There have been ups and downs between myself and my husband. In this relationship and through sharing with many other women, I realized that most women are more capable of nurturing relationships then men. Our downfall is when we women became disillusioned and bitter with men if they do not match our own capabilities in thoughtfulness and emotional maturity. Marriages and unions can last if partners can get over the romantic hang-up that relationships are easy. No, they’re not! They need work! And usually the dominant feminine qualities within women enable us to be the ones in partnerships that are better at keeping relationships going and growing. An important tip to lasting unions is for women to resolve to teach their partners how to be good at it, too! They can also teach their sons how to be good relationship nurturers too, so that they have better relationships when they are adults.

And another tip is for women to always be humble enough to believe that her partner may have a thing or two to teach them every now and then, also. No one ever passed these tips on to me. I had to learn them the hard way. I read that we must learn to love ourselves better in order to love others better. It made sense, but it doesn't always work out that way, does it. It made a lot of sense to me when I read that the popular actress Jeniffer Aniston knew she had true love with her husband Brad Pitt. She said that he taught her how to love her self better. It really does sound like true love.

Conjugal Unhappiness
Here is another tip for good love relationships. If you think conjugal ownership includes each others’ hang-ups and misery, then think again. Never take your partners’ fears, insecurities and unhappiness personally. Never make their negative experiences your own. And get over the belief that if you are an unhappy person and if your partner loves you, then he should be unhappy and just as miserable as you. How small and egotistical is that on your part?

If you notice that you want your partner to be belittled, to be miserable or your want them to come down to your level in any aspect, then that is not about love. If you notice that when your partner is happy it makes you unhappy that is not about love either. These feelings are about your own inner demons. To keep any valuable relationship together, you must learn to fight your own inner demons. The only thing you risk is winning the battle against your inner demons and vanquishing them one by one. Going through this process, Love and happiness can become the way of your life and not the elusive goal.

A Glimpse of the Heart as the Center

Why do we touch our hearts when we point to ourselves. Why does hurt and loss of Love give us heart pangs? Why do those who have a hard time forgiving and loving have heart attacks?

Interestingly, in Eastern energy anatomy of the human soul, the heart is the utmost center of the 7 Chakras. In Chakra studies, flow of energy from heaven and energy from earth meets in the chakra of the human heart.

I have come to know that my Mind and Body finds its center in the Heart. I have taught my catechism students that the heart is a good symbol for the human soul and that our Souls, not our physical appearance, is that part of us that is created in God’s image. If God is Love, and God is inside of us, then what better place to find God in our center, but our Hearts. Our hearts are where Heaven and Earth meet inside of us. I have also taught my catechism students that the concepts of sin is related to the inability to give and receive Love. As we become more and more unable to Love others, the more our actions are unloving and can be perceived as sinful. The so-called sinful heart finds its analogy in the heart depicted as heavy and dark, cold and hard, closed and small. Healing and forgiveness truly are the antidotes to the sinful--- the unlovinge and unloved.

The most perfect of love between mates cannot come from just the body or just the mind, or just the body and mind. It must come from all aspects of our human existence---Mind, Body, Soul, and at this center is the Heart.

Heart analogy and symbolism is replete with meaning and offers enlightenment and ways to become more loving and to find Love in all that you come across in Life. Heart sight is an ability to see with the Soul and to strive to act with groundedness.

And so for your time here on Earth, may you find Love and Peace in your heart. Happy Valentine’s Day! Look for free online love notes and valentine cards at http://www.bagongpinay.net/cards.

This article specifically written for BagongPinay @ www.newfilipina.com

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