Passages of Womanhood
Coming into our Substance
by Perla Daly

Part 1: Part 1. The Eagerness of Our Teens and Twenties

When I graduated from high school a little over 20 years ago, I felt like I was at a peak in my life. I was ready for new things and for spreading my wings --- going to universities… living in the big city of Manila… exploring student activism… I felt pretty equipped coming away from the Benedictine school in Bacolod City St. Scholastica's Academy.

I gained confidence during my teen years because of those opportunities. It was at St. Scho that I began to feel that I had something special to offer the world. I felt like I was on top of the highest mountain when I was with those girls. There is excitement in realizing we are powerful when we are young. When I look back to those teenage years, I realize now that we girls were so blessed. Those times were a great beginning to life for me.

I had a good family base and good friendships. I was establishing the rights and wrongs and the beliefs of my family, my school, my tribe within my life.

Like most of us in this world, I lived in a town where money and family name where the one-two combo of prestige. But I was lucky enough to have a mother and a Lola who instilled in me a great value in the internal qualities of Life.

What I picked up from my upbringing from family and SSA was to come through in me when I went off to college and for the rest of my life.

After the awkward period of 13, I was lucky enough to be considered attractive and stupid enough to believe that it meant anything for some things. As I got older, I became smart enough to know that being attractive wasn't really anything of substance.

Looks and youth may get you into certain situations but not all of them are desirable. There is such a thing as unwanted sexual inuendo and attention. There is also prejudice. Once in a college figure-drawing class I had discovered that I had a knack for drawing human bones in various positions. But, my professor let it slip in front of me and my male classmates that he didn't think I could really have drawn the skeleton figures I had submitted because I was too pretty. I was furious and offered to draw fresh figures from scratch right there in front of him and the smug expressions of the guys. My professor declined the offer which furthered my frustration. I realize now that I came to fiercely value my brains and talent and it became a mission for me to prove that I had any.

I learned in my twenties, that looks shouldn't be counted on for advancing yourself because shallowness and pettiness is what you will get back in relationships and encounters with people. I learned about prejudice against one's being too pretty or not-pretty-enough, too privileged or not privileged enough... I learned about the prejudices and notions that were against being a woman.

Going to college and being a student activist, I learned also to become more aware of society and politics.

But despite the doom and gloom of the news and the negativism of other people, I still kept my positive outlook.

Still, in my twenties, in college and after college, I still had a lot more learning to do then that.

I learned more about the world in Manila, the place I loved and at the same time came to call Sin City... My friends used to tease me that I never perspired, even when we were travelling on hot, crowded metro buses. I thought that if one was quiet enough inside, one could tolerate the city heat and smog. It was in Manila where I learned that one could focus their thoughts to not only find inner cool and quiet but also to find goodness and truth in people. Looking back to that mentality now, I realize that whenever I changed such a focus, ugly encounters reared up and made moments absolutely messy.

It was in my 20s that I was beginning to make my way around the world. I travelled from the Philippines to the West Coast U.S. and then from the West Coast to the East Coast.

I learned more about peoples' prejudices and biases. I learned that peoples fears and insecurities are the same whether they are Filipino, white, black or hispanic, christian, jewish or muslim... I learned that people are basically the same on the inside beyond cultural and geographical differences. I also learned that the best things that people are about are also the same.

Despite my encounters with negative people and ugliness in the world, I still loved Life and was eager to see what was coming my way. I chose to focus on the good things.

I learned a very important thing. How to love myself. That came in a painful way from a fiery, tumultuous relationship with a young man I thought I was going to marry. I had to choose my self-respect or life with a gorgeous soul who I loved deeply but who did not yet know how to give love and respect to his partner.That was a difficult choice. There were times that I almost regretted it. But as time went on I realized more and more that I was the better for it. I have learned a lot from those times and that choice.

I made many choices in my 20s that changed the course of my life.I chose an uncertain life in the U.S. instead of a privileged one in the Philippines. I changed jobs several times. I got married in my mid 20s. I had my first son within the year, 2 years earlier then I had planned. Ha ha! I had in-laws. My husband invited my mother to live with our new family. It took years before I truly appreciated this kind gesture of my dear husband. And it took years to appreciate the dynamics of good relationships with my growing family and the blessings that this growing family meant to me.

I began to find out what I could do with myself but this was still yet the tip of the iceberg.

In my teens and twenties, I knew my blessings and advantages...I thought I was progressive and open-minded. With such privilege and self-confidence there existed a good amount of arrogance and pride in me...there was also uncertainty, impatience, regrets, pride---things I most certainly would not have admitted about myself at the time.

How Life goes is never an accident. But I didn't figure that out till I was way past my 20s...I did not yet realize in these young years that there was a lot of awareness to be gained, and that I still had a lot to learn about relationships and myself.

next
Part 2. The Aha Moments of Our 30s
Part 3. The Ahhh (as in Spa) Moments of 40s and Beyond.

This article specifically written for BagongPinay @ www.newfilipina.com

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