The Anger Ability and Filipino Nature by Perla Paredes Daly Getting mad can make us feel bad about ourselves. But it doesn't always have to be that way. It can actually be a force for good. So,  how can we make anger work for us? It seems that few Filipinos are comfortable with getting mad. Most of us are especially uneasy with the act of confronting others with our anger even if it is about a small issue. After all, how many of us Filipinos were taught that it was okay to even speak your mind to other people. Most of us Filipinos avoid, at all costs, arguments and confrontations even when we are in the right. We shun angry behavior, look down on it and discourage it in our children. Most Filipinos have been taught that it is more polite to hold your tongue and contain your anger than to make a commotion. Unfortunately, denying anger is not good. Anger is a signal that you need to balance specific life areas. We need to recognize that signal and use it as a catalyst to taking action on those things that can be changed for the better. Even a great man of nonviolence Gandhi himself spoke of his anger as a precious treasure that he used to transform the world. We can use our anger in this way, too. As counselor Martha Beck puts it: "anger is like rocket fuel: It's very potent, but it has an unfortunate tendency to explode if not handled correctly. It's also highly toxic. Swallow it, lose track of it or store large quantities in your immediate vicinity, and you're asking for trouble. Throwing it around carelessly or dumping it all over other people can also have very unpleasant consequences. But once you learn how to harness it, you'll find that anger has enormous power to change your life for the better." The personal experience of a young Filipina in the U.S. illustrates this. I will call this young woman Amy. Amy had gotten a hold of a few issues of the zine Bamboo Girl published by Sabrina Margarita Tan. It is important to tell you about this zine if your are not yet familiar with it. This zine has a lot of the material that is about speaking out about what makes you mad---activist articles, thought-provoking essays, cartoons, reflective musings... Much of the material many times comes off aggressive and angry. Her work is pretty radical written with a warrior spirit and colored with strong language and images. (Click here for some Bamboo Girl articles). People who read this zine either get it or they don't...they either love it or they hate it...Well, Amy, got it. The fight-back, take action message got through to her so much so that she got angry enough to take action about something in her life---her abusive brother-in-law. This man, who she and her family lived, with was making his wife/her sister, herself and the rest them miserable. At first, he was abusive verbally and physically only with her sister. But later on it got worse when he started getting violent with the rest of his wife's family. They all endured this abusive environmment for a time. But something happened when Amy read the Bamboo Girl zines. Amy wrote a letter to Bamboo Girl telling her that she had been inspired by the spirit of anger in the zine and had finally gotten angry enough herself to take action against her brother-in-law. On one violent  evening against her sister, Amy got up enough courage and called the police. He was arrested that evening and put in jail. Of course, most of us aren't involved in such extreme circumstances. Still, anger can enable many of us to take action on aspects of our lives that need changing. Almost all of us Filipinos will have a hard time believing this because we have grown up being taught that "if you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all." Of course, this makes Filipinos such very nice and pleasant people. But we shouldn't let it be a force against us. When we are angry, we should not deny the fact that we are angy. We should not try to hide it. We need not have to talk through clenched teeth. We need not have to begin acting like a raving lunatic because we can't hold it all in anymore. For those of us ordinary human beings, suppressing anger can be very counter productive. Let's talk about the different ways we can get angry. For illustration purposes, let's put you in a hypothetical situation: Its a stressful day at work. You've been working on a rush job for a week on some database project, let's say. Your officemate Josie had to merge her files with yours this morning. Just now, you find out that she has botched up her work and yours because she did not follow the new procedures that you yourself had researched on, written up, submitted and had meetings about, weeks before. Now because of her deliberate mistake(well, you've convinced yourself that it was deliberate because you're so angry and you're not thinking straight, anymore) you now have to clean up her mess and do the work all over again. You go to Josie and tell her what has happened and before you can say anything else she runs off to your boss. She tells your boss what's happened, leaves out certain details and implies that it's all your fault. Your boss is now in your face growling at  you about the mess  and praising Josie for her supposed sharpness in catching this now when things can still be fixed. How do you react? Do any of the styles below sound similar to yours? And what are the drawbacks to these modes of getting angry? Some Of Our Anger Styles: 1. Venting. You carefully control your words and your facial expressions to be polite and try to get out of there as fast as you can. You then call your best friend, Vicky, and go into a furious monologue telling what took place. Vicky responds sympathetically. And then you both agree that Josie and your boss are hateful people using choice 4-letter words to describe them. Now, you feel better. You're so refreshed that your're ready to go back to work the next day and act like nothing happened at work. Cons. Venting to others not involved in the situation allows you to dump a load of fury, but rather, on others who are not involved. You could be  making a lot of good points and noise but not to the person who really needs to hear it. Venting but never facing the person/s involved does not make headway in the direction where it's needed. 2. Sulking. You are at a loss for words. You have nothing to say to either Josie or your boss. In fact, you can't tell anyone about what happened. But you keep on thinking about the incident/s over and over in your head and what you would have said if only you had had the guts. You feel so terrible that you go home, go to bed and throw the covers over your head. The next morning, you are depressed and you dread going back to work. So you call in sick. Cons. Sulking is a waste of your time. If you are looking for sympathy that's all your going to get.If someone did take notice of your pouting and dark mood and did ask you what's wrong you can be bet that he or she is NOT going to solve the problem for you. You need to solve it yourself. 3. Hurtful Words. You don't tell your boss the truth and don't confront Josie right there and then. Rather, a few days later, you start finding yourself saying the nastiest comments to Josie, whenever you can, such as "you really should get a chemical peel" or "do you have a water retention problem?" all with a sweet, concerned, totally fake smile. And you also find opportunities to put Josie down in front of your boss, whether she's present with you or not. Cons. Taking verbal stabs at others and not at the situation is cowardly and deceitful. It, too doesn't solve anything. This passive-aggressiveness only upsets others, creates hostility around you and will even make enemies for you. 4. Hiding/explosion combo. The TNT style, that is, TNT for Tago-na-Tago or "well-hidden" and TNT as in dynamite . You swallow your anger and hide it carefully.. You pretend nothing has happened. But a few days later when your boss hands you a new project summary to work on with Josie you explode. You burst out angrily that you would never work again with that "b-i-t-c-h" and storm out of the office growling that if they can't figure out why then you won't bother to explain it to them. Some people are more subtle.  They accumulate their anger over a period of time, and then one incident, even a small one, can trigger and outflowing of anger. Like a glass filling up with too much liquid and then spilling over. Cons. Hiding and then exploding with anger or spilling over with anger when removed from the actual situation, only after you have already endured a million other incidents without complaining, makes you seem irrational. People around you will say "What's wrong with her? Is she crazy?" Because how else are they going to know that you were mad because of soemthing that took place a few weeks ago. They're just going to think that you're a crazy ditz head. 5. Crying. Your mad at both Josie and your boss and you start to say exactly what's on your mind. But, to your dismay, your eyes start to well up, your lips begin trembling, and you find yourself choking on your words. The tears start to fall. You are now crying uncontrollably in front of both the people you are angry at. You wanted to be cool but your words are now coming out in embarrassing sobs. But, this is not the first time this has happened. You find that tears always fall when you are trying to express your anger. Cons. Crying makes you look and feel weak (even if you really aren't). People will see you as childish and incapable. You can lose your power over the situation to others when you do. 6. Displacing. You are angry but you stand quietly until the ordeal is over. That night you channel it into other forms either internally or externally. Internally, you might find yourself eating too much food. Externally, you might do something like throw and break things; clean your desk/house furiously; send out a spam-bomb; or work-out at the kick-boxing class and pretend you're beating up somebody. Cons. Internalizing your anger may hurt you. Physically and/or emotionally. Externalizing may help you on the short term(not unless you murder someone, of course) but you're still not solving any problems. For example, vacuuming the carpets with a vengeance when you're actually furious with your boss and Josie is not going to solve anything. Something like that might happen again if you don't resolve the situation as soon as you can. 7. Bitching. You interrupt your boss and tell him straight to his face and Josie's that she lied. And to add emphasis to the whole thing, you rant and rave about how Josie always comes in late, your boss makes passes at the interns and then you walk calmy out of his office. It turns out that you are always angry and show it.  Looking back, earlier that day, you yourself had loudly scolded the intern for not replacing enough paper in the copy machine. The night before, when you were having dinner with your boyrfriend and in front of strangers and friends you sharply reprimanded him for glancing casually at the comely girl at the other table. The week before,  when you got home you found your sister wearing your favorite shoes and you gave her a piece of your mind in a not-so-nice-way. You're always angry and flaunt it. You also bitch even when there is nothing to be bitch about and people are usually walking on eggshells around you. Of course, we like to think that this is a rare style found among us good-natured Filipinos. Cons. Bitching will alienate you from people and from yourself. Being always angry and showing it and not getting to the root of what the anger is really about will keep you from finding and fulfilling your potentials. 8. Santita (Saint). You never get upset with anyone. So, you're not even angry with your boss and Josie(although you are right and they are wrong.) You smile lightheartedly at them, apologize for the misunderstanding on your part and cheerfully fix the problem yourself, on your own time. You are either in denial or you are a living saint. Cons. Sainthood is something we've all heard about. On the other hand, if you are in fact just another ordinary human being, then take a good look at yourself---you might find that people might be taking advantage of you. One or more of the above styles just might be ours. I myself have used these styles throughout my 3 dozen  years of life. These styles of getting angry may not be solving anything for you. Not dealing with our anger and those we are angry with in a self-aware, controlled way is unproductive and can even be down right destructive... Now that we can identify some of our styles, let's see what can be done about them. Click to read "Harnessing Anger and Moving Forward" Have something to add to this article? Have you got your own tips or experiences to share? What are your opinions on anger and Filipino nature? Then join the MagsalitaKa forum and express yourself! Click here. Part 1 - Intro/Our Styles of Anger Part 2 - Harnessing Anger and Moving Forward Part 3 - Book Recommendations _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ | Home | Site Map | E-Mail us | All rights reserved. ©1998 ©1999 NewFilipina ©1998 ©1999 BagongPinay.